i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
