Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
