I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
