We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
