I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
