I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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