ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
