Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
