Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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