P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
