College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
