Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
