i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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