They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Did I show you my penis last night?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
