Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
