dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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