Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
