Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
