i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I will pee on everything he values.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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