Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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