You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
