1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
