meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
