from now on my penis is your penis
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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