My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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