Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
