Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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