I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
