the condom got lost in my hair
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
