I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
