I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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