I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
