As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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