nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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