i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
