my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
