some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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