new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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