1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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