I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
