I have demons in me.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
