You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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