Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
