life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
