woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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