Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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