he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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