hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
