he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
