yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
