I think I died a long time ago.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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